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50 SHADES OF PORN-PLAY

50 Shades of Grey. 50 Shades Darker. 50 Shades Freed.

Read, read, read – doesn’t anybody f&ck anymore?

That’s right, I’m talking about the 50 Shades phenom. The mommy-porn that’s sweeping the nation(s). If you’re underage, or male, or dense, you may not have heard about it. But if you’re a hot-blooded mama, you most certainly have. Or will. I whizzed through all 3 books in just over a week. And not because of their brilliance. I was a reluctant reader, but after so many reco’s I needed to know what the fuss was about. I took a look and didn’t much like what I saw.

At first.

They’re terribly written. And most characters are kind of hateful/annoying. I didn’t get it. In fact, I was downright snooty about the whole thing, condemning the trilogy to the annals of pure trash. I figured it was “Harlequin in Handcuffs” for those not gettin’ any. And then around page 200 or so something happened…

Could it have been the Silver Balls??

Surprise!!

This post is neither about the books, nor what happens to anyone in them. It’s about the toys. And no, pervs, I don’t own them all, have not tried them all, and don’t plan on some crazy sexy splurge. Then again, it may not be a coincidence I’m writing this post a couple of weeks before Mother’s Day. And now, without further ado: not-even-close-to-50 fun playthings to tickle your fancy – and whoever else’s you may be tickling!!

1. Silver Balls.

Ben Wa Balls

2, 3, 4. Lelo – Liv, Lily, and Mia

Meet the girls:

Liv

Lily

Mia

These are not your old-skool dildos. One lady I know for whom “dating” is merely a euphemism told me she no longer bothers making plans, preferring to stay in with her new besties, the Lelo sisters….

5. The Wild Orchid

A downtown sex shop in Toronto calls this baby the G-Spot whisperer….Apparently finds it everytime…

Wild orchid

6. High End Restraining Arts Kit

Everything you need. Adjustable. Comfy. Pretty.

Cuffs and Straps and Paddles. Oh My!

7. Tape

If the whole kit is too much, try some tape. It may not always work, but it gets the juices – creative and otherwise – flowing….

No Scotch Tape here....

8. Massage Oil Candle

Kind of self-explanatory. Light. Melt. Drizzle. Enjoy.

Exactly what you think it is...

9. Subtle Vibe

It’s a pen! It’s a bullet! It’s a necklace! Oh no wait….pull it apart… it’s just a damn good time…

Cigar Pocket Vibrator....Smokin'

10. Lelo Tiani

Major Swedish lifestyle companies: Volvo, Ikea and…Lelo?! This baby comes with a remote control. For yourself – or others – to handle. Surprise!!

Tiani and remote

11. The Butterfly
Could this strap-on be the reason for so many happy travelers? And flight attendants?

Stewardesses' Secret

This is, obviously, merely the tip of the sexual iceberg. The list is endless, giving the term “Mother’s Little Helper” a whole new meaning!!! For every foot fetish and paddle humper there’s someone just itching to lay their hands on a riding crop. Or a leather collar. Or any assortment of trippy accoutrements. For more ideas, check out Kiki De Montparnasse. Or any sexy-times site. We all know the world wide web is full of ’em. Happy Browsing! And Happy (extra early) Mother’s Day – or any day!

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1 comment

1 Leslie { 04.27.12 at 1:45 pm }

girrrrrrl, love it! thanks for all the info!

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