Almighty Stench

“Gee your hair smells terrific”.

Remember that? Betcha haven’t heard it in a while, huh? Not the ad, the sentiment. Know why? Cuz we’re stinkers. That’s right: Stinkers. Yep, like it or not, that’s what we’ve become. A civilization of stink bombs.

From cloying creams to sickening spritzes, we all reek. And not of B.O. Nope, the smelly days of yesteryear, where a somewhat high pit could make or break you, are long gone….Replaced by a slew of pharmaceuticals designed to cover up anything remotely natural and replace it with fruity not-so-freshness.

Look, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fragrant, erm, enhancements. I slather on the deodorant and enjoy a squirt of perfume as much as the next gal. In fact, I’m a product whore! But it’s the actual scents – or should I say flavours – that put me off.

Get this – I went to buy shampoo the other day. Hardly brain surgery. But finding one that doesn’t smell like honey-coconut-butter with a hint of cherry? Nearly impossible. I popped open practically every bottle in the shop, hoping against hope of finding something, well, nice. No luck. Only Finesse deserves kudos, stinkin’ it old school clean.

What happened to the blue and green smells? Y’know what I mean – the fresh ones? Hop into your local and it’s all red, yellow and orange stenches. In other words, candy, fruit and puke. Even white smell is gone, replaced by vanilla. Gross.

And don’t think you’ll score with a high-end bottle of bubbles either. Not only does it not make one lick o’ difference in how your hair turns out (or so my salon savvy spies tell me), but you’ll spent upwards of fifteen bones for a bottle of cucumber-melon-sage. Yep… Food.

In some places, they take their fragrant issues quite seriously. My stinky Bikram yoga classes used to have a sign saying no perfumes of any kind, from deodorant to fabric softener. I of course ignored that one. 100 degrees sans deod? Uh, think not. And a towel without fabric softener is like, well, a towel without fabric softener. Sandpaper. At least Bounce has the whole outdoor fresh scent going for it.

The deodorants are as tricky as the shampoos – one day you buy something called Optimism and it smells like, well, deodorant. And when you go back for more it’s called Courage and smells like peaches. That they could ban.

In some cities they don’t let you out in public if you’re too smelly. Manufactured, chemical smelly, that is. I swear! I think it’s Halifax. If you’re too whiffy, you’re off the bus. I kind of get it. Especially in the morning rush hour. I mean, puh-lease, something like Angel or Giorgio or a handful of uber-musk aftershaves are most pungent in the AM – AND they last all day too. No rest for the wicked. The wicked stench.

So please, somebody stop the madness. Stop the Paris’ and Jessica’s of our overexposed world from putting out….anymore candy coated lotions and potions. Cities and smog and ozone oh my! Can’t we at least smell so fresh and so clean clean while we’re here? Maybe, dear readers, you could tell two friends, who’ll tell two friends, who’ll tell two friends…and so on… and so on… and so on….