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Idol Shaves Chris

I didn’t make up the title. E news did. But I thought it was funny, so I nabbed it. Whatever. Did you see his face? Did you? Shock and awe, people. Shock and awe.

Unless you’re living in another galaxy, you’ll know I mean Chris. American Idol Chris. Who else?

Poor guy. I don’t know who was most surprised – the judges, Kitty, or the Bald One himself. Total devastation. Now that is good tv. With nary a dry eye, we said bye bye to Mr Daughtry, the rock ‘n roller who was waaaay too alterna rock for AI in the first place. And yet, we liked him, we really liked him. A lot. Rod, Queen, Andrea B., Mr Mottola – everyone, as they say, had it goin’ on for Chris. Baz Manilow maybe not so much, but our Chrissy was still favourite-to-the-stars, no doubt about it. Even the on-line gambling sites were backing the Bald Eagle. Now, however, the eagle has landed, on his ass, and all bets are off.

I’m secretly pleased. You see, as good as Chris is – I mean, was – he was getting kinda tired. The knee-stomping vibrato was starting to grate. I wanted something new and different from him. He needed to mix it up a little, maybe have some fun with facial hair and reshape the ‘burns. Or ditch the fob watch chain. Or even try some lifts (he’s a bit of a pune I think). But it’s all too little, too late, mate. And now we’re stuck with McPuke.

Yep, another week to suffer from McPheever. Sure she’s talented. And easy on the eyes. And the camera clearly loves her. And, let’s face it, she’s bringing in the male viewers. But what does any of that mean when she wears a belly-baring, belted, combo on national television?! Maybe the stylists should be voted off the show. Between Kat’s linebacker looks and Paris’ stewardess chic, we’re not looking at any new trends here. But back to Katherine. Outfits aside, the woman’s become a train wreck. Last week she’s kneeling on the floor, this week she’s a one-woman dance-off, something’s gotta give. She’s actually getting worse with each performance. She better pick one helluva torch with which to light up the stage next week or else she’ll end up with the rest of the sisters: gone. Or…

…we’ll end up with an Elliott – Taylor finale! Grey-haired-guy and Bad-teeth-guy, duking it outfor the title. What could be better?

(insert annoying randyspeak barking here)

Bring on the underdogs!

8 comments:

Anonymous said…

Libby Gelman eat your heart out! This is classic bitchy queen stuff. You ARE every woman!

12:37 PM

Anonymous said…

I never did like that Chris, dude! The vibrabor thingy in his voice was ng – no good. It was always there and it vibrated at too frequent of a rate. I have to say that America on the whole has surprised me in that they have not voted Elliot off yet. I thought for sure he was going down the drain early on, simply because of his funny looks. America is so obsessed with looks that I thought that he was a goner for sure. Interesting!

1:14 PM

Anonymous said…

You don’t have to post this critique but I do think that you use the word Combo too much. As a writer you should try to mix it up. Examples are ‘Combo Platter’ and ‘belly-baring, belted, combo’, etc, etc. Also what is with ‘Y’ll’. I thought that only if you live in Virginia or south and east of the Mississippi do folks use Y’ll. What does Y’ll mean… all of us?

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